Karma In The Portrait Studio

I actually worked at Wal-Mart Portrait Studios for years, although let it be said that I won several national awards in my time with the company, was a Level 4 and the studios I worked in had the best sales/service/quality averages of our entire districts and usually state. Yes, I'm conceited.

So we went to the Wal-Mart Portrait Studio today. I really, really needed to get Dex's picture taken in a special outfit that his Nana sent (his Dad had his picture taken in it as a baby and so did Lang) before he outgrew it. I labored under no dilusions of grandeur concerning the "portraits", mind you. I hoped for a decent shot or 2 of Dex in his special outfit where he didn't have his finger up his nose or drool smeared across his entire face into both his ears.

We arrived (after calling for an appointment), and were greeted by a very, very, very large woman whose attire resembled Tarzan In The Ghetto (this movie went straight to video and is periodically ran 4 times in a row for 3 days in a row by TNT - j/k). And she was loud, good lord, she was loud. I actually contemplated running away as the idea of going into a tiny space with this woman and a soon to be screaming newborn made me queasy, but I really needed this picture because Dexter literally was in danger of outgrowing this outfit any second. So we go in.

We get the first shot. The infamous "package shot". And I realized right then that karma is a bitch. I always made sure people's package shots sucked so they had to buy the more expensive after shots (hey, we were judged on sales as much as photography and we made commission so cut me some slack). Our package is a picture of Dexter sleeping, cockeyed to the side, slumped over with a huge green pacifier in his mouth and a god awful raggedy grotesquely dirty teddy bear stuffed under his arm all photographed from above thus making his feet the focus of the picture. It was the most hideous thing I'd ever seen, and I contemplated saying No to it, but I remembered clearly the 2 rules of getting discount "portraits" of newborns. For all of my new mommas, here they are from an experienced discount portrait photographer:

1. You can only photograph what is there. If your child is crooked, dirty and ugly to boot, the picture will look show crooked, dirty and ugly. I always enjoyed this rule. I got to sadistically point out to all these delirously happy new parents that the camera wasn't faulty, but there new angel really was that funny looking. Thus, yes, I'm afraid, Dexter really looked like that. Big 'ol huge cheeks sitting on his shoulders with crossed eyes... what can you do, ya' know?
   
2. And rule 2. If you say no to a picture, the next will be 3 times worse, the next 3 times worse than that one, and the next 12x times worse than either of the previous. Don't be greedy. If the child isn't upside down and blue, accept it because your time in the portrait studio is slippery slope.

So I wisely accepted it. And luckily so as he immediatedly began to scream bloody murder. So I feed him a bottle while Summer dresses him (we are the queens of multi-tasking) and we began trying to get the shot of him in the special outfit. I cannot possibly describe what then ensued but suffice it to say it involved a very, very, very large woman in leopard print screaming "SMILE VICTOR!" at my son, whose name happens to be Dexter, all while jumping at him and cussing her cell phone that wouldn't stop ringing. I threw up a little in my mouth.

Dexter did pretty well all things considered. In one shot his mouth his hanging open and he's completely bent in half. In another he is blowing split bubbles and and looking cross eyed at his own nose. In another he his screaming and eating his shirt. In one shot he isn't even in the picture save for part of his bald head and a foot. In the last he is sporting a look of absolute confused terror preserved for posterity (he seems to be thinking, "who is this Victor, and why are you yelling at him??????"). I bought that one.

I'll not be going back there for awhile. There isn't enough Prozac in the world.