I Miss Stuart Smalley.

I'm sorry, friends & family! I have not been eaten by a landshark posing as UNICEF or injured myself on the little springy animals at the park (again!).

I am in the process of relocating the blog to an actual site. It has the blog, has pictures, has games, and does not have gonorrhea (just seeing if you're paying attention). It is fantabulous and is geared toward being a hub of communication for our family & friends versus a Google archived forever record of Becca-isms that I keep getting in trouble for anyway.

We are working on schoolwork. We are dealing with strange men coming in and out (no, and how rude of you to think so) regarding estimates for the move, and the stupid sun is shining so the kids are all "oh let's go outside and be healthy......... oh let's go get fresh air........" . This is the absolute agony of springtime; I abhor it.

Dear Gerber,

This communication is regarding the "milestone celebration" emails you insist on sending my mother. Please stop. It is bad enough that she is paying 3 times the going price for over hyped "organic" pureed garden dirt (and is convinced that if she purchases regular baby food that it is actually pureed rat poison with orange food coloring and artificial carrot flavoring), she is now printing out pictures of baby's who have been coerced into following your developmental schedule and taping them to my playpen. It's getting ridiculous.

As a matter of fact, please watch for a future communication from my lawyer regarding this exact situation. After watching a news special yesterday that made the substantiable claim that babies who don't reach milestones when they are supposed to are more likely to grow up to be inmates and graffiti artists, and in the same day received one of the aforementioned "milestone" emails she took away all my developmental toys and threw me in the corner with sugary cereals and finger paints. While the lack of pressure to perform one receives when located in the corner is enjoyable for short periods of time, I find that I am unable to disrupt people's schedule, destroy important tax related mailings or chew electrical cords to my heart's content. These things are an important aspect of my "pursuit of happiness" and thusly you are interfering with my first amendment rights. Big time.

While the lines of communication are buzzing, let's get a few things out in the open here. I do not sit up by myself and have no intentions of ever doing so. I do not like your crappy pureed vegetable poo and refuse to be ready for solids. Ever. I have no intentions of potty training on schedule, developing hand-eye coordination or going to college.

Warmest Regards,
Dexter

PS - I watch the stock markets and I hope Nestle does take you over. I guarantee they will nix all this "organic" dirt pie doodles and start cranking out Chocolate Carmel Marshmallow Baby Delight. Yum.

Lewis & Clark Simply ADORE My Pants

Yes, friends, I managed to get rather lost again today. I have so far managed to get lost on this particular trip every single time we've had to make it which counting on my fingers and toes adds up to a grand total of: quite a lot of times.

Today, however, I managed to create a new personal best: I got so lost that I landed in another state by no insignificant amount. Indeed I ended up in another state at a historical point that Lewis & Clark visited but evidently no one had thought to since. So I backtracked through my original route, except I ended up crossing two, count them again please - I said two, rivers that I hadn't crossed in the first place.

By no small miracle I ended up back in familiar territory using my usual method of following random people who seemed know where they are going and aggressively do so laboring under a grand delusion of self importance; such people are quite useful for finding things actually. They want everything, and are always on their way to buy something thus leading to points of commerce. Points of commerce are always situated between communities, and if you can get to one of these it's just a matter of playing InkyPinkyPonky to see where to go from there.

Anyway, I was so glad to see an area I knew that I immediately stopped and bought a pair of pants. They're quite nice too and were at a fabulous sale price.

I Credit My Goldfish For Saving The Day

I hate boring looking credit cards. I mean, if you are going to deliberately engage in financial behaviors that in like 73% of Americans lead to monetary mismanagement and accumulative debt, it should be attractive, you know?

My MasterCard had cheesy scribbly flowers on it. But the other day I got a mailing from them that showed other cardholders had dorky goldfish on their card and I felt equally used and betrayed.

So this morning I called my credit card company and demanded goldfish, no annual fee and a lower rate of interest. I got the goldfish. Life is totally sweet.

Singapore Is Punny

I hope to be on to post later this afternoon, friends & family. I know I've fallen sadly behind lately.

The Spring school semester is always challenging (sunlight makes children's brains fall out and shrivel up) and I'm prepping the house for the move like mad (I've decided to get rid of everything but underwear and Chicken In A Biscuit crackers). I've also got a new project or two underway (hint: one of them is based in Singapore and the other one is "bound" to excite somebody). Ha. I'm into puns today.

Moo Shoo You. Yummy.

Am I the only one watching these hearings involving Valerie Plame (the whole Scooter Libby issues) and wanting to hock up a good one and spit it on her shoes?

We all know that I don't like or trust people in general and I have an intense dislike of the female species especially. They are evil personified and cannot be trusted under any circumstances. I know this because I am female. Our very nature is to manipulate in an attempt to dominate. This is why I have so few friends - very few make it through my selection process, but I love dearly those that do, although admittedly I wouldn't trust you not to eat me if we were stuck in a mountain pass for a long period of time without food. No, dear friends, I wouldn't turn my back for a second and neither should you. I would make moo-shoo-you and not think twice. N0w back to our regularly scheduled post.

If this woman is representative of the type of female our government employs in its representation abroad it is no damn wonder half the world is trying to blow us up and the other half is trying to smother us in tennis shoes.

Smash Trees For Fun & Profit

I am still alive. Mostly.

Summer is quite sick so I have my hands full with that (here is where I would insert the vomit joke but I'm too tired). It is also test week. While I am against standardized testing (for those that aren't have you ever thought about who is being tested for what purpose and graded by what standard? hmmm?), the 4th week of the month is a review of our covered material and, yes, tests, although not standardized at all, I assure you.

I am also writing a business plan. For no other reason than if other people can do it than I can do it better. I need to stop writing a moot business plan and spend that time picking up hours for my job that actually pays real $$, but I can't help it. I am the genetic offspring of 2 entrepreneurs which has also given me the insight to all the reasons to absolutely not entrepreneur anything (yea, I just made the noun a verb). However, I simply can't resist laying things out on paper; I suspect it's an underlying hatred of trees.

Kawaii You See Me?

I caught myself lecturing the kids on what kind of retirement village I preferred this afternoon. Realizing this it made me throw up a little in my mouth. And I immediately came home and spent my entire year's worth of gift allowance $$$ on imported kawaii gameboy games, as well as a new system as mine was confiscated by my offspring. Ha. I ain't old. I am too damn immature to be old. So there.

Divorces & Downright Naughty Infants

Today I went to the optometrist for the first time in 6 years. I believe we've been too damn broke for me to be so blind that feeding the medical industry beast is evil and we should all try to do it less. Thus why I'm having my next child under the dining room table. By the by, now that I can actually see, I have to tell you that you simply must do something about those roots. Yikes. Go buy some Clairol or something.

Anyway, I've been nursing a pair of 30 day disposable contacts for 6 years and the optometrist was so impressed that he gave me my contacts absolutely free. He was almost giddy he was so excited about what I had managed to do; what a dork. On the bright side though, I think I made medical history for something other than my uterus. I also ordered a pair of glasses just so you know. They're quite cute. Summer said I looked like a slutty secretary.......... so of course I immediately bought them.

I am currently going through my yearly bitter phase over my parent's divorce which should end sometime mid-April. I schedule this yearly and plan to stop as soon as things are the way they were supposed to be with my Dad hitting my kids with canes and running over their feet with a wheelchair and my Mom teaching them macramé and forcing them to color in the sunlight until they get migraines. Everything is all upside down and I have found the best way to not be permanently disappointed over this is to set aside 1/4 of the year to be quite snarky and irritable and then just not think about it for the rest of the year. My siblings should try this by the way; scheduled bouts of bitterness and depression keep it all in check thus leaving the rest of the year open for things like cotton candy and shark documentaries. I'm just saying............

Also, while I have your attention I would like to share with you that my youngest child is a wretched little beast. Mind you he's absolutely darling with all his "rolls of love & happiness" (read fat rolls) and is quite affectionate in his own way, but he's rather wearing over all. He scratches, pushes, pinches, pulls, grunts, squawks, and generally disrupts everything within a 3 mile radius. I lose handfuls of hair a day from his yanking it out and my face looks like I fought a ghetto battle for Juicy Juice and lost. I'm sure he'll grow up to be absolutely lovely, but for now I'm having a t-shirt printed up for him that says "My Mom Calls Me Birth Control".

Mush & T-Bones - Oh, Yummy Day!

Yesterday I had one of those experiences that camera cell phones were specifically created for. I saw a man in a wheelchair who had harnessed a rather large group of totally random dogs to the front of it and was hurtling down the street. Wheelchair mushing............. who knew such a thing existed? I actually have a camera phone, but didn't take the picture for 2 reasons. One, he was moving to damn fast and 2 it seemed of questionable taste to put a picture of disabled person up on the internet strictly for entertainment value. My conscience got the better of me; it won't next time.

Yesterday I also avoided probably the most serious "almost accident" of my life by about 2 inches. A SUV pulled out in front of us for a tasty t-bone situation. The SUV driver realized what she had done but we were so close she just threw her hands up over her face and was screaming. Yes, we were close enough to see that; hell, we were close enough for me to tell you she had on a silver pendant. By the grace of God I somehow managed to get our new van around the other vehicle. It has to have been a miracle. So yay for new vans with great brakes and modern steering systems. Had this happened in our old van that we were still driving last week there is no question we would've hit. And, yes, I thought of you RYL! Yikers.

We are finishing up our work this month and preparing for our tests next week so I'll be on and off. I also have to pick up some shifts for work (to avoid getting a naughty email) and I'm of course working on a new project because life didn't seem busy enough. I wasn't, after all, crying every day.

See & Do - All About Cities

The great thing about living in a city is you never get bored. There is too much to see and do.

For instance, just the other day our family was driving down a busy street. We saw a homeless man tip his cart over and then proceed to yell personal insults at his boxes. We saw a hooker get a date. We saw a frozen yogurt stand that stays open all year long.

For those that missed it, I repeat: a frozen yogurt stand that stays open all year long.

Nope, you never get bored in cities.

Double Dutch & Mushrooms ala Anime

AGAIN with the not posting for several days. I know, I know........... I am shirking my obligations to confuse and insult the masses. I'm working on the family website again. I locked my own dang self out and they won't let me back in because they are laboring under a delusion that they already solved the problem. Idiots.

So here's your Becca trivia for the day: I have several pointless froo-froo games on my cellphone where I help big eyed anime creatures jump rope and eat mushrooms. And people feel I didn't live up to my potential. If they only knew...................

Wheeeeeeeeee! For Super Mario 3

Click on the image below to check out my new FireFox theme. Yet another opportunity to celebrate my secret inner Nintendo nerd. I am now only 2 steps away from taking over the world! mwa ha ha ha aha h a..........................

I love retro gaming more than grilled cheese sandwiches. I dislike modern gaming except for JAWS where you get to eat stupid people swimming at the beach. Now THAT's a game.

I'm Ret T'Go

For anyone who laid awake last night gnawing their nails to the quick about whether I was accepted for the job thingie (very technical term oft used by professionals for items related to the space station and general physiology). My last exam was 100% and I completed my interview/conference last night. As Wanda from In Living Color Would Say: "I'm ret t'go"

McCarthyism & Mastercards

Are you all dying to know what happened with the car shopping? I so know you are. So here's the deal. We always buy older cars with in house financing because our credit could be better we are big believers in staying under the federal government's radar. I have no idea why I associate credit with the Communist lists of McCarthy but I do. There is a correlation there, I'm telling you; I just haven't been able to fish it out of my brain yet because my medication is supposed to suppress my paranoid delusions I've been busy.

Anyway, on a whim we went to a normal car lot and applied for financing. Somehow we were approved within 10 minutes. Go figure, huh? We actually qualify for a car loan. While this is nothing for most people, we've spent the last 10 years surviving on pizza delivery wages, waitressing tips, and student loans trying to scrape by. We've never qualified for anything. Except once I qualified to be part of a drug trial for crazy people. I declined.

So, we got a vehicle. It's a Kia Sedona. It so new it's still under factory warranty and damn shiny to boot. I was going to take a pic of the van but it is thunder storming. So here's one I raped and pillaged from the internet.