The Grape Ape's Absence Is Duly Noted

Wise Man Say:
Better to tie up pants with string than face family with bare butt.

You see, I am going home for the holidays and so consider yourself all forewarned that my apparel is a bit, shall we say, ill fitting. However, since you've been warned there is no need to stare. Or point it out after your 3rd glass of holiday spirits. Because the fact is that there are three real possiblities as to why my pants are tied up with yarn. They are as follows:

1. Perhaps I can't afford to buy new clothes. This is not an invitation to point out my excessive number of children or to tell me my husband should get a real job. Both of the aforementioned are completely irrelevant as to why I might possibly be unable to afford a new wardrobe. Maybe I'm a crackhead. Hadn't considered that one had you?
2. Perhaps I was going to buy new clothes but got sidetracked by a leprechaun at the neighboring deli. Or I might be waiting until my post pregnancy body decides what exact shape it is going to take on this time around. Those of you who have had kids can empathize with this. Every pregnancy leaves you like a shapeshifter for about 6 months.
3. Perhaps I already bought new clothes and a dingo ate them. All of them.

While we are on the subject, I do not have a coat either. This, however, is easily explained. You see my Aunt Donna gave me a wonderful purple fur coat some years back and that had been my coat since. It was lovingly referred to as the Grape Ape, and it was highly revered in this household. Unfortunately, during the power outage, one of my well meaning offspring laid the Grape Ape on a burning candle (a Yankee Chocolate Chip Cookie votice by the way) and it went up like Chernobyl. We were extremely grateful that Michael and I got to it in time as to avoid burning down the entire building (thus severely angering the people who live below us), but we did not get to it in time to save my coat. So RIP dear Grape Ape. And that is why I don't have a coat.