Mint Chocolate Chip Children

Christmas time takes a perfectly lovely child and magnifies their obnoxiousness times 12. I don't have perfectly lovely children to start with. I also have a rather large number of these behavorially impaired children. I understand now why some animals eat their young.

While we are on the subject of children that probably should've been eaten at birth, the neighbor boy who is in love with Summer egged our trash can this week and has been at our parking lot everyday yelling unpleasant things at me. So instead of beaning him in his fat little head like I so desperately wanted to, I gave him cookies. No I didn't spit in them, although one did fall on the floor. My hope is that his mother might accidentally slip and eat him when she is reaching for a mint chocolate chip cookie.

Santa DOES Shop At Wal-Mart. Told You.

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8th Horseman Of The Apocolypse Set To Ride

I have come to the conclusion that the world is ending. I have come to this conclusion because long ago I decided that there was an 8th horseman involved in the apocolypse whose only job was to smite old people in convertibles.

Today, I saw a record number of old people in convertibles. Nearly enough to keep an apocolyptic horseman rather busy.

Thus the world is ending. I am going to spend this month's rent on take out chinese food so that when it all goes up in a apoclyptic cloud of dust I get to watch the show with a crab rangoon in hand.

Knock Knock. Who's There? Amy Fischer!

Please pronounce the word "tumor" like Arnold Schwarznegger did in Kindergarten Cop. It makes the following so much more humorous.

I recieved word yesterday that the horrid thing that the dermatologist removed from my cheek was not a cyst of any type but the biopsy revealed it was a benign tumor of the nerves. I am supposed to go back to her soon and she plans to go in and remove a larger portion of the area we found it for good measure; optimally they won't severe any nerves in the process or I might end up looking expressively lopsided for a bit. Kind of like I'm from New Jersey and my husband was having an affair with a psycho teenager who had a gun. Get it? It also is going to leave a rather nasty scar she said, but plastic surgery can fix that. Because I didn't really need to use that money in my mattress to purchase the Knicks; I can spend it on plastic surgery instead. Idiot. Ah, well. I've never been a vain one anyway, and with this many kids people will just assume that one of them bit me.

I had a bit of a pity party yesterday after recieving the call. It's been a rough year for us healthwise. The pregnancy was an absolute mess in the end, I about bled to death after the c-section, Dexter's ridiculous voicebox is deformed, and now I managed to grow a tumor on my face. But I'm done with my pity party now. Mostly. I've decided to redirect my energies into being bitter over much more worthy things like my childhood pets than a little facial tumor.

On a side note, I let the people come in yesterday and do Dex's pictures and it went very well. I'll have to share the point in the session where it all went awry a little later today. Yesterday I also taught the girls how to wrap Christmas presents. In hindsight they did VERY good all things considered. I, on the other hand, really didn't do so well. By the end of the dayI ended up mostly under the Christmas tree in the fetal position wishing I had cats instead; big, furry nasty cats. Life would be so much easier and people with cats don't get facial tumors. I said I was "mostly" done with my pity party. I'll let you know when I'm "completely" done.

Feeding Philosophy

Someday this boy is going to sleep through the night I swear. He has to, right? This is, after all, a civilized society and there are laws he must abide by.

This feeding's (which has been going on for several hours now) philosophy is as follows: The Pussycat Dolls are just the new Spice Girls except the Spice Girls could actually dance. Comparatively anyway.

A Big 'Ol Head

I had a friend in Emporia named Eddy. Eddy was very concerned with the size of people's heads. His fave saying of "She's got a big 'ol head" will go down in infamy. That being said, my son has a big 'ol head. Eddy would find him fascinating.

Your Heart Is Filled With Unwashed Socks. Your Soul Is Full Of Gunk.

Poor, poor Michael Mr. Grinch! Anyway, I just agreed to let a man come over to house tomorrow and attempt a portrait of Dexter. Why did I do this? I really must stop answering the phone in the midst of a dead sleep. Now I have to try to locate these people's number and cancel.

I'm making my lists for the trip home. There is a great many lists to be made when attempting to land this family from one state to another and not arrive bereft of underwear, or , Lord forbid, mascara.

The most important list is music to drive to of course. It serves dual purposes. One it keeps the driver awake and keeps the car moving as whoever holds the wheel runs the radio. Secondly, and by far most importantly, is the fact that it will often be blared to inhumane levels to drown out all 5 of the children periodically during the drive. Therefore it must be rather snazzy music as it can take up to 7 minutes of ear numbing decibals for the children to give up hope and quit demanding a 412th potty break this hour or begging to buy a postcard to send to themselves (yes, they do this).

Today, compliments of Wal-Mart Downloads which I highly recommend, I have downloaded the following:

• Christmas Cannon by Trans-Siberian Orchestra - I cannot recommend this song highly enough. It features an actual boys choir and is absolutely beautiful for it. Most today have gone to children's choirs in pieces such as this. It's a shame. Children's choirs are very poor substitutes for an actual boys choirs. I think little girls just naturally sing poorly in groups. I am allowed to say this because I have a group of girls. And they sing poorly.
• Lips Of An Angel by Hinder - I know, I know........... a trashy song about cheating and the lead singer insists on flipping his hands around like he is flaming the night away and is without the good sense God gave him. Good song, though.
  
• Pieces Of Me by Turdmonkey Jones - Actually by Ashlee Simpson but I won't admit to that. When all my housework is done I enjoy sitting by the TV in hopes of catching the news that she's been ran over by a train; no luck so far but each day is a fresh opporunity. I cannot say why I like this song. It's stupid and bubblegumey and just about as lame as they come. Kind of like the SpiceGirls songs you have hidden away on my your computer.
• Black Horse & A Cherry Tree by KT Tundstall - I love this woman.
• Suddenly I See by KT Tundstall - Did I mention I love this woman? This song makes Michael's skin crawl so it is an absolute essential for irritating him half out of his mind while he is stuck in a moving vehicle. I usually do this right after we fight about evolution vs. creationism. A topic that always seems to come up on our roadtrips after we've discussed corndogs, glaucoma, and soap.
• Bad Day by Daniel Powter - Catchy, catchy tune. Too bad American Idol ran into the ground with a spoon. Still a great song.

I'll, of course have to work up an everyday album and then a Christmas only album since its a Christmas trip. This will include the ever popular (and already owned) Christmas by Blues Traveler and the remake of River by Robert Downey Jr. It will also need Same Old Auld Lang Syne by Dan Fogleberg (?sp?). I will fill the remaining space with Amy Grant's stuff, Where Are You Christmas by Faith Hill (my personal anthem) and 3 different versions of the Mr. Grinch song. Because I can.

The Grape Ape's Absence Is Duly Noted

Wise Man Say:
Better to tie up pants with string than face family with bare butt.

You see, I am going home for the holidays and so consider yourself all forewarned that my apparel is a bit, shall we say, ill fitting. However, since you've been warned there is no need to stare. Or point it out after your 3rd glass of holiday spirits. Because the fact is that there are three real possiblities as to why my pants are tied up with yarn. They are as follows:

1. Perhaps I can't afford to buy new clothes. This is not an invitation to point out my excessive number of children or to tell me my husband should get a real job. Both of the aforementioned are completely irrelevant as to why I might possibly be unable to afford a new wardrobe. Maybe I'm a crackhead. Hadn't considered that one had you?
2. Perhaps I was going to buy new clothes but got sidetracked by a leprechaun at the neighboring deli. Or I might be waiting until my post pregnancy body decides what exact shape it is going to take on this time around. Those of you who have had kids can empathize with this. Every pregnancy leaves you like a shapeshifter for about 6 months.
3. Perhaps I already bought new clothes and a dingo ate them. All of them.

While we are on the subject, I do not have a coat either. This, however, is easily explained. You see my Aunt Donna gave me a wonderful purple fur coat some years back and that had been my coat since. It was lovingly referred to as the Grape Ape, and it was highly revered in this household. Unfortunately, during the power outage, one of my well meaning offspring laid the Grape Ape on a burning candle (a Yankee Chocolate Chip Cookie votice by the way) and it went up like Chernobyl. We were extremely grateful that Michael and I got to it in time as to avoid burning down the entire building (thus severely angering the people who live below us), but we did not get to it in time to save my coat. So RIP dear Grape Ape. And that is why I don't have a coat.

Up With The Tree! 2006

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A Breeder Goes To The Dermatologist

Could also be titled Saggy Butt Relativism but we'll get to that later.....

I went to the Dermatologist today. I've had a small bump on my cheek since January that was becoming more painful. I was pretty sure that I was dying of skin cancer but luckily for my husband that was not the case. Luckily also for my siblings and parents as I had decided to dole out my children one for each of you.

Long story short, it was an epi something or other cyst. I don't really know as I stopped listening at the point where the doctor announced rather nonchalantly that we would just cut it out today. You know, I don't think any sentence that involves a scalpel and a body part should include the word "just".

Anyway, they did exactly that and I now have no feeling or use in part of my face and am also sporting some bloody stitches and one of those useless round band-aids. The lidocaine should wear off any moment, much to my children's dismay. They are over there imitating me and I am considering not feeding the little wretches this evening.

I will leave you all with a few thoughts presented in a "Dear Doctor" letter format about Saggy Butt Relativism and the practice of Dermatology. Please read slowly as it is quite important.

Dear Doctor,
Please do not end any sentence with "for having had 5 children". Not even the ever popular "you look w0nderful for having had 5 children". It is not a compliment. And I will tell you why.

First, it clues me into the fact that you are in fact deciding if my butt is fat and saggy while you check for malignant melanamos. Patients in general enjoy laboring under the delusion that our medical practicioners are asexual human beings with eagle eyes for medical anomalies but dead blind to physical imperfections. We also like to hope you have an impaired sense of smell. Especially when being nervous makes us sweat. Profusely.

Secondly, it insinuates that all women that have borne 5 children have fat, saggy butts. That is simply not the case. I have met a great many breeders whose body looks 20 times better than the "I've had 2 kids" Mom on the street. You see, breeders can spot another breeder (even without their children in tow) from about a mile away, so we tend to be well connected within the community. The community of breeders anyway. This assumption also clearly indicates that you spend a great deal of your day looking at fat, saggy butts and comparing them based on the number of children the hungry chubass in question has contributed to society.

And last but not least, thus finally, no matter how kind the compliment or how grand your intentions, it is still Saggy Butt Relativism. You are saying that I do actually have a rather fat, saggy butt, but it can be forgiven as I have had 5 children. In other words, if I had this butt and had borne less children then you would just think that I was a hungry chubass. However, since I've had 5 kids you'll kindly forgive it and not whisper about it at the nurse's station. At least not very loudly.

Dexter's Diagnosis - Laryngomalacia

The specialist we saw diagnosed Dex with Laryngomalacia. It is pronounced Luh-Ring-Oh-Muh-Lay-Shuh. If you have a hard time remembering it just think of the French (la) discussing Ringo Starr (ryngo) in Malaysia (malacia). I'm sure that will help you remember it. Because it's such a simple association. Absolutely everybody makes that connection.

Anyway, in essence it's a birth defect of the voicebox. It is in essence floppy, you see, and thus relaxes into Dexter's airway. There is a surgery to attempt to repair (read trim up quite nicely) the voicebox in this situation, but there is a chance he will outgrow it so we have decided to sit on our hands and let him wonk-wonk-wonk-snort-oink-wheeze-snort-wonk his way into puberty. Actually we have the option to push for it with his doc but we'll wait for now.... Although he says he can arrange for an apnea monitor for me and I am seriously considering it as the nights are wonking long.

Dexter's situation is exaggerated because of his retrognathia/micrognathia situation. This means he has a small recessed chin that forces his tongue to the back of his mouth also blocking his airway. There is no repair for that, although they are working on one and Jay Leno is going to be the guy to run telethons for it.

In other words, Dexter has somehow managed to end up with two completely unrelated ways to suffocate! Go Dexter you stud!

On the bright side, his pediatrician's initial prognosis of paralyzed vocal cords was wrong (don't blame her though - Dexter presents a little different than most Laryngomalacia kids). This is wonderful news as Laryngomalacia is not oft associated with the neuromuscular disorders they were looking at before and saves a loads of testing, etc.

Now we just get to let him wonk away.

Christmas Becca's Way . Or Else.

Found this on our pregnancy forum and thought I would throw it on the blog as well. Mainly because I can. I wield that kind of power.

Welcome to the Christmas edition
of
Getting To Know Your Friends. And Possibly Your Family.

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Wrapping paper! Bags are kind of eh.

2. Real tree or artificial? Always fake! Real ones are all crooked and cramp my style. I have a really unhealthy attachment to fake pines.

3. When do you put up the tree? Usually day after Halloween.

4. When do you take your tree down? Usually by February. Usually.

5. Do you like eggnog? Maybe a glass or so. When it's properly boozed anyway.

6. Favorite gift received as a child? My Gameboy. I still keep/play/adore Gameboys.

7. Do you have a nativity scene? Yes absolutely. In storage right now unfortunately.

8. Hardest person to buy for? Usually Michael although our families are difficult because we can't afford anything truly decent and so it always comes off as a mish mash of so-so's.

9. Easiest person to buy for? All the kids. My kids are soooo easily amused.

10. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? Let's see............. I recieved nothing from Michael for several years running. Air is a pretty sucky present. Don't fault him though. I usually spent all the Christmas $$$ on the kids.

11. Mail or email Christmas cards? Mail definitely. Complete with obnoxious letter and bad snapshot.

12. Favorite Christmas Movie? Jaws 4. Remember? Sean goes out to fix the dingy on Christmas Eve? Remember? JAWS eats him all while you hear the kids on the island singing Silent Night? Remember? Hmm? Oh, you haven't seen Jaws 4 The Revenge? Very few have.

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? Normally I plan to try through the year but end up breaking us through November and December.

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? Yep. Air. I gave it back to Michael.

15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? Peanut Butter Balls & Iced Sugar Cookies assuming a rare steak isn't readily available.

16. Clear lights or colored on the tree? ONLY CLEAR. Colored lights were invented by Satan to confuse the masses. He put them on the market the same year he introduced foil tinsel. It was a busy year for Satan.

17. Favorite Christmas song? Christmas Cannon & Same Old Auld Lang Syne

18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? Home usually but when we have the chance to travel to our families we do so. We're traveling this year. Because Dexter is 3 months and we like a challenge.

19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer? Why yes, I can, including the controversial Pedro.

20. Angel on the tree top or a star? Santa but changing to star this year.

21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? Both

22. Most annoying thing about this time of year? The whole Santa thing. Why don't I get credit for the hundreds of dollars and thousands of hours spent? Hmmm?

**Merry Christmas Friends and Family!! **

I Need Your Body Heat To Keep Me Warm

Remember how Foghorn Leghorn was always telling that stupid old hen that he needed her love to keep him warm? Yeah. Me too. Just wandering. Anyway.....

The electricity went out at some point after we went to bed Thursday night. I woke up with Baby Snorty Wonk at about 4AM and discovered the situation. I, of course, roused Michael from his dead sleep after locating him beneath the 40 layers of covers we were employing anyway and we began the process of reporting the outage and figuring out how to manage for a bit. A bit...... lol..... we are such naive optimists; I think it is the small town mentality that we still break out on occasion that made us believe they'd fix it lickety split. We really thought there was no way they would leave people turned off during that kind of weather because things like that just don't happen, kwim? Ha. Stupid, stupid us.

Friday was our first real experience of bitter cold although it was just a taste of things to come as the house retained some heat still from the days before. The kids played out in the snow with Langdon seeing his first snow ever (click the link to see some pics) and we eventually wandered out and about to locate some food. Because McDonalds have power and everyone knows the Golden Arches take precedence over residential neighborhoods when it comes to restoring heat. Absolutely everyone knows that.

From there on out it was a waiting game. We spent the nights in the kitchen we had managed to semi-close off, huddled around the gas stove, playing cards by candlelight, sleeping 7 to a bed and watching the temperature in the rest of the house drop so low the thermostat wasn't able to measure it anymore. The lady down the street says her house bottomed out at 22 degrees or so and I would say we matched that if not bettered it as we are on the third floor and have huge windows to boot. We spent the days store hopping attempting to keep warm. We would stay as long as we could until the store owners became suspicious we were just there for heat and then we had to move on. We managed to finish our Christmas shopping, although in retrospect we probably shouldn't have done it when we were so cold because we bought everyone very strange things. Things cold people want but people with furnaces have no real need for. But I digress..............

Tuesday I had finally had enough when it came to Dexter's snort snort oink oink wonk wonk snort snick wonk wheeze oink condition that still had no final diagnosis and so I did one of the hardest things to date and confronted his pediatrician. Now anyone that knows me can imagine how difficult this was as I am more likely to respond with a bad joke if you cut my leg off then get angry, and so going in to pick a fight with an MD wasn't exactly my speed. Luckily I didn't have to do anything too terribly offensive. I called her out and made her listen to him and hold him. As soon as she realized how bad it was she had us in with a specialist within the hour and we recieved a profuse formal apology. Which was nice. Unnecessary, but nice. Anyway, I'll post the baby stuff on a later post, but suffice it to say we ended up having to travel to another town within an hour to see that specialist and once there he said that he was not comfortable dealing with this situation and referred us on to another specialist. We got some answers at the last stop, although it is all still in process a bit.

Finally on Wednesday power was restored. I cannot even describe to you the mayhem that ensued with the kids once they realized what had happened. It's a good thing it came on when it did as Summer had become exceedingly pissed at the situation and had decided to write obscene letters to our electric company; especially when we recieved our monthly bill after no lights or heat for 5 days. I had decided to let her as long as her grammar and spelling were correct.

I think it was a growing experience for our family. Spending so much time in the dark reminded me that I had strayed away from my very reasons for choosing to homeschool in the first place, and I spent many hours scribbling in the dark the beginnings of the return to our core academic theories and beliefs. The entire family finally bore witness to the long nights of apnea fits, constant feedings, and continuous wonking that I go through with Dexter and they became much more understanding of my exhaustion, although they gave him some very questionable nicknames as well. Michael broke out his everyday ingenuity and kept us in lights and heat through the ordeal; it was nice to see this as sometimes it seems he surrenders his everyday common sense in exchange for scientific prowess. Scientific prowess is an admirable thing and has been known to cure disease, however it doesn't fix the sink. Unless the sink has a disease.

Captain's Log Day 5 - Today We Ate The Baby...

....no, not really, although we discussed it. Chubbilicious slept with one eye open. We survived (big dramatic word there) by sealing up the kitchen, gathering around the gas stove and drawing lots on who had to get eaten first if we ran out of frozen pizza (kept frozen on our balcony by the way). This will be short as I work to get the house, family, etc. back in order. After 6 days the electricity has been restored and I must say that everything looked much better in the dark. I'll share the whole story soon, but for now I'll leave you with..................................

Things Overheard In The Dark
December Electricity Outage 2006

Dexter: Oink, oink, snort, snort, wail, snort, oink, wonk, wonk
Summer: Does he ever shut up?
Mom: No. Why do you think I'm so bitter?
Summer: We should eat him. Electricity's been out 4 days. They'd understand.

Mom: Gin
Summer: How you can you tell..... it's too dark to see the cards.
Dad: She knows because she cheats.
Mackenzie: I thought we were playing Rummy.
Mom: Gin.

Dad: After 3 days we get to eat someone.
Summer: (pointing at Dexter) eat Snorty McSnort Snort over there. Then we'd get some sleep.