A Breeder Goes To The Dermatologist

Could also be titled Saggy Butt Relativism but we'll get to that later.....

I went to the Dermatologist today. I've had a small bump on my cheek since January that was becoming more painful. I was pretty sure that I was dying of skin cancer but luckily for my husband that was not the case. Luckily also for my siblings and parents as I had decided to dole out my children one for each of you.

Long story short, it was an epi something or other cyst. I don't really know as I stopped listening at the point where the doctor announced rather nonchalantly that we would just cut it out today. You know, I don't think any sentence that involves a scalpel and a body part should include the word "just".

Anyway, they did exactly that and I now have no feeling or use in part of my face and am also sporting some bloody stitches and one of those useless round band-aids. The lidocaine should wear off any moment, much to my children's dismay. They are over there imitating me and I am considering not feeding the little wretches this evening.

I will leave you all with a few thoughts presented in a "Dear Doctor" letter format about Saggy Butt Relativism and the practice of Dermatology. Please read slowly as it is quite important.

Dear Doctor,
Please do not end any sentence with "for having had 5 children". Not even the ever popular "you look w0nderful for having had 5 children". It is not a compliment. And I will tell you why.

First, it clues me into the fact that you are in fact deciding if my butt is fat and saggy while you check for malignant melanamos. Patients in general enjoy laboring under the delusion that our medical practicioners are asexual human beings with eagle eyes for medical anomalies but dead blind to physical imperfections. We also like to hope you have an impaired sense of smell. Especially when being nervous makes us sweat. Profusely.

Secondly, it insinuates that all women that have borne 5 children have fat, saggy butts. That is simply not the case. I have met a great many breeders whose body looks 20 times better than the "I've had 2 kids" Mom on the street. You see, breeders can spot another breeder (even without their children in tow) from about a mile away, so we tend to be well connected within the community. The community of breeders anyway. This assumption also clearly indicates that you spend a great deal of your day looking at fat, saggy butts and comparing them based on the number of children the hungry chubass in question has contributed to society.

And last but not least, thus finally, no matter how kind the compliment or how grand your intentions, it is still Saggy Butt Relativism. You are saying that I do actually have a rather fat, saggy butt, but it can be forgiven as I have had 5 children. In other words, if I had this butt and had borne less children then you would just think that I was a hungry chubass. However, since I've had 5 kids you'll kindly forgive it and not whisper about it at the nurse's station. At least not very loudly.