Of Hamburgers, Pirates & C-Sections

Heck, they did get the better of me today, but I'm still working on it. We'll have to see if I can get things worked around my way, but here's what happened today........ And just so you know, my OB pronounces the word EXPLODE as "HISPLODE".

So I get there and go in for the NST. All's pretty good. Except the lady next to me smells like hamburgers.

Anyway, on to the OB appt. So they put me in the room and tell me to strip waist down. The nurse that took me in there also smells like hamburgers. I do strip, but then realize I have to pee, so I wrap up in the sheet and run down the hall. For future reference this is frowned upon. However, in my defense, trickling urine on your examining OB is frowned upon also.

After forever, the OB comes in, and guess what???? He smells like hamburgers and It's my favorite little foreign man! Joy. Joy. Joy. So he walks in the room and my stomach growls sooooo loudly (I had skipped breakfast). And this makes him blush neon red for some reason. So he puts me in the stirrups and it growls again. He goes for the strep b swab and it growls again. He goes into check dilation and it growls again, and his arm shoots back like my hoohaw just bit him. LMAO. He at this point is sending nurses running for crackers. It was rather humiliating, but don't worry it gets better.............

While the nurses go to get crackers, he decides to measure my fundal height instead. It's increased considerably since last week (his words were that it was "surreal"), and so he goes for the sonogram machine. Which is great, except HE LEFT ME IN THE STIRRUPS WITH MY HOOHAW EXPOSED FOR JESUS AND ALL HIS NEIGHBORS TO SEE.... we're talking door wide open, the whole 9 yards. The nurse comes back with crackers and is like "my god, cover up!" and I, of course, tell her I'd like to but I haven't been given permission yet.

He returns with the sonogram machine, does the scan and gets so excited over how much fluid there is that he calls for his med students that are following him today to come see. All of this, and I'm still in stirrups with my business framed up for the world. So I'm there I am, flat on my back in stirrups, with my business all hanging out, eating club crackers while a group of med students oooh and aaaaaw over the amount of fluid in my uterus. And they all smell like hamburgers too, by the way.

After everyone leaves, we begin to back and forth on the date. Keep in mind he's foreign and doesn't understand my sense of humor at all. And it went like this:
OB: We need to consider an amnioreduction very soon.
Becca: I don't want an amnioreduction. I could explode.
OB: No one ever hisploded from being pregnant.
Becca: Then why are you trying to drain the fluid off?
OB: So you don't break your bag of waters and hemmorage.
Becca: Which is similiar to 'hisploding', isn't it?
OB: Not in the least. Not really.
Becca: Sounds like 'hisploding' to me.........
OB: Fine, let's set a date.
Becca: Oct 2 has a nice ring to it.
OB: It's too dangerous to go that far at the rate you are hincreasing in size... you know, hespanding.
Becca: Which I suppose puts me in danger of 'hisploding'.
OB: There will be no hisploding.
Becca: Imploding?
OB: Women don't 'plode' either way from pregnancy.
Becca: Then what's your rush?
OB: September 22nd.
Becca: I don't like Sept. 22. It's an even day in an odd month, and besides I already have a September baby. I like Oct 2.
OB: September 22nd.
Becca: Let's go with the 19th............... it's National Talk Like A Pirate Day.
OB: There is no such thing.
Becca: There is too. The post office doesn't close for it, but it exists........
OB: There is no such thing! September 22nd.
Becca: There is to such a thing. And, if I'm in danger of 'hisploding' why are we waiting until September 22nd anyway?
OB: I am done with you. You may go.
Becca: Fine, but why do you smell like hamburgers?

So I get a call later, scheduling my c-section for September 22. I'm still considering fighting this day as it just doesn't feel right, but I did let them schedule it for now. And, btw, it turns out the cafeteria was having a staff appreciation day bbq which explains why everyone smelled like hamburgers.