Shame In Canned Goods

Actual
The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame. -Proverbs 29:15


Paraphrased.
I really must occasionally nail Langdon's hiney; otherwise he will insist on acting a fool at the supermarket.

Ha. And people argue that the Bible isn't applicable to today. Someday I will share with you my revision on the verse of how they "stole her veil and brought her shame" to an updated modern Baptist "they stole my dang hat............"

Oh, Sugar Sugar...........

Again and again in modern society you hear the term 'niche'. This person has found their niche. It's an odd little niche. Maybe they should've thought a little bigger............

No I won't tell you how I found that site. If I told you that then I would no longer be shrouded in the mystique of internet saviness.

Reason #1 to Procreate

Here is my first offering in an ongoing series of reasons to procreate.

If you only have one or two children, the only nicknames they get dubbed are things like "tooter" or "cutie patootie" or "bubba" or even possibly (although I can't imagine why) "stinky winky". When you have older siblings to come up with the nicknames you get things like "Chubbles The Angry Piggy". This is also why the younger children in families often need therapy as adults.

Hot Pockets & Her Appendix

Pop On The Pop: Lindsay Lohan Freezes Her Appendix To Prevent eBAY Sale

........And I thought that I was vain. Of course, it just never occured to me that someone might want my placentas or tumors. I feel so violated. I am absolutely going to call my doctors and request those things back because they're mine and I can. I will also keep them in my freezer right next to the Hot Pockets and on top of the popsicles.

And The Surgeons All Sing "doot da doot da doot doot da doot"

We left for the hospital bright and early this morning. Yes, I got a shower in and actually spent extra time doing superfluous hygiene activities since I missed so much yesterday. We arrived a few minutes late, but not for lack of trying. It's been a long time since I've driven 80MPH in 3 lanes of traffic while singing along to Prince. I must've been having a good hair day though because a man licked his window at me. Always nice to recieve a compliment!

His doctor arrived an hour late with the worst case of bedhead and sleep in the eyes I've ever seen. The nurses laughed and said he wasn't a morning person, and I couldn't help but wish I had known that sooner; I would've scheduled an afternoon surgery! :) We dressed him in orange scrubby pjs, added little socks that were miniatures of the ones I wore when I got the c-section and they carried him away...................

I realized at that point that I haven't had actual peace and quiet since Dex has been born. I usually have him and even if someone else has him, they stay within 3 feet of me asking questions (why is dexter crying? what's that smell? is that gonna stain? why are you crying?). When they carried Dex off to the OR, I realized that I was about to have a small window of absolute silence to think Beccafied thoughts just like the good old days. So here's a quick list of the thinks I did think while Dex was in surgery:

• If sisters marry brothers are the offspring genetically interchangable?
• If Nickolodeon came up with a show about a creepy old man who dressed up like the crayola military and creeped around neighborhoods talking to invisble cartoon animals and looking for little unattended to children to bond with, do you think it would go over as well as Captain Kangaroo originally did?
• Do you think the whole Trix Is For Kids dilemma could be solved if the rabbit was arrested for felony theft and tried as an adult?
• Do you think the Smurfs sexually transmitted diseases are half as interesting as their everyday sickness? I mean, when a smurf comes down with something it usually involves spots or extra appendages. I wander what the clinical symptoms are for Smurf Gonnorhea?
• According to the radio commercial, literally hundreds of women are going to be proposed to this Valentine's Day. If I'm not one of them I'm never going to speak to my husband again.
• It was once said that the best trick the devil ever played was convincing mankind he didn't exist. Doesn't this apply to sharks as well? Isn't the best trick they ever played was convincing mankind that sharks aren't actually out eat people? And taking these things into consideration, isn't mankind about the most gullible stupid creature currently taking up space? I mean if a shark went up to a seal and tried to convince it that he wasn't out to eat him but instead accidentally took a little nibble for exploratory purposes............ do you really think the seal would fall for that?

It was about this time that the nurse came in to take me to recovery and asked why I was drooling. Recovery was fascinating. I rocked and fed Dex while they tracked his vitals and I got to watch them try to calm and care for screaming toddlers coming out of anesthesia. What a fascinating job! They squashed these kids, poked them, rolled them about, hollered in their ears, and put masks on their faces when they got loud and annoying! And the government wasn't called! It looks like pediatric surgical recovery units are the last pocket of independant resistance in the US where social services can't reach! WoOt! Actually, their job looked horribly trying and the only humor there was that a bunch of the nurses got paged for an adult person that "coded" (I have no idea what coding is and I suspect it's probably not humorous actually) and they couldn't get the door open. I hope "coding" doesn't mean died like it does in the TV shows because if that's the case that person didn't have a chance. Their medical personell was being held captive. Yikes.

We're obviously home safe and sound. Dexter is happy as clam, and I wonder if it's because the pressure built up from the infection is gone or because of the laughing gas........ I don't really know, but it's a nice change from the past few days; he's been a holy terror and by holy I mean "holy crap that kid is demanding".

His eye is bleeding a bit, but all looks well. I'll keep everyone updated and thanks for the kind messages, emails, etc. Much appreciated! :)

Surgery Scheduled For Dexter

Holy cow what a day. I don't even know how to describe it. Or why anyone would care if I did, but I'm going to anyway because I happen to own this blog and possession is 9/10s of the law. Just ask druggies. Anyway............

The bassinet has been complaining loudly everytime we put Dex in it so I spent yesterday prepping Lang's room to become "The Boys" room instead. Lang did not like this; he cursed. So last night Dexter spent his first night in his real bed. I can't say I liked it much. I've grown rather accustomed to his snort-oink-wonk wonk-snort snort-oinkety oink oink through the night. He woke up at 5AM, had a few ounces and went back to sleep, thus I did also. I really figured he'd wake up again in no more than 20 minutes after being laid down. This is his signature screw with mother in the morning move - make her think she is going to get more sleep and right as she drifts off begin grunting and squallering. This did not happen. He actually slept until after 9:15AM. This is wonderful except it put us waaaaay behind in our schedule (very bad for homeschoolers in the second part of the school year) and it just so happened that today of all days he had a doctor's appointment at 10. So we started off running late.

We somehow manage to make it there on time. It required me forfeiting my shower and any attempt at hygiene. He got weighed. No wonder the bassinet complained. He is supposed to have doubled his birthweight by 5 months but instead has tripled it by 4 months. She thus gave me permission to start him on solid foods because at the rate he is going through formula I was going to have to steal someone's identity and set up a credit account directly with Enfamil. He got his 4 shots also. Never pleasant although he is so fat it took him 2 shots to figure out that someone was sticking his chub rolls with something and get angry.

The bigger point here is that the pediatrician referred us on to a specialist for his eye problem. We've done every kind of anti-biotic under the sun, massage, herbal compresses, etc. NOTHING was clearing out the tear duct and the infection was so severe now that the discharge was neon green and smelled putrid. I'm telling you that because I don't have any friends that would pretend that such a thing is interesting. It was nasty enough that we surpassed the 3 week wait period to be seen and were informed that we had to be there by 1PM. Mind you I had never even heard of this hospital or this doctor or even that part of town for that matter. So much for going home and getting a shower.............

So I load the van up with all 25.6 of my kids and with mapquest directions in hand we head off to find the doctor. We had only 20 minutes to do so. Didn't look so good and began to look even less likely to happen as I ended up somewhere underneath the Arch downtown and a call to the doctor's office revealed that they were nowhere near the arch. We got there an hour late. Luckily they decided to go ahead and see us because it is very hard to turn away a very fat baby with an eye that is smelly and stuck shut. Lucky us, right?

The doctor immediately recognized that Dex needed surgery to open up the tear duct and flush the infection out and we worked through the process of scheduling said surgery. He wanted it done tomorrow so it took most of the afternoon, with all the kids in tow, wandering around a strange hospital with a gucky baby making arrangements. All without having attempted any personal hygiene for the day.

We get home, and Dex's shots are hitting him about then. And the crying began. If you can imagine a screaming baby with a clogged up eye then you can imagine my evening. And it lasted for freaking ever. And the kids tried to help but they are just kids. And I don't have a husband. I have a live in Scientist who doesn't come home. And I'm tired. And a little angry. And certainly rather long winded this evening. The right and proper thing to do would be to call the family, and for the grandparents, etc. that rightly deserve a call I do apologize. I am just so exhausted I haven't the heart to dial the phone. Or attempt any personal hygiene.

Anyway, I have to have Chubbilicious there by 6AM and he goes into the operating room about 7. Keep us in your thoughts and I'll post an update tomorrow.

Chance Of Sprinkles. Cake Is A Given.

Am I the only one is infinitely amused when meteorologists actually forecast "SPRINKLES"? I ask you, in all seriousness if this word should be allowed to be uttered by meteorologists with a straight face. Meteorologists are after all the considered the last of the truly independent scientists; which is in and of itself ridiculous. No more so, however, than to forecast "SPRINKLES".

Today's Forecast: Sprinkles with a chance of chocolate chips late in the afternoon. Our area is under an all purpose flour warning until 11Pm. Tune your TV to the Food Network for additional serious weather alerts.

Sprinkles. =snort snort= Sprinkles indeed................ Oh, geez I have to go to bed. I think I lost at least 12 brain cells writing this and you lost 9 reading it. That's a lot; for both us.

Notes On Onions.

I've been thinking and here's what I've come to conclude: Cocktail onions are really nothing at all like pearl onions contrary to popular belief; at least not in stew.

Writing On The Wall. Not By God Though.

So I bought an overhead projector the other day. Thanks to ebay I snagged it brand new in box for an amazing price too.

We've been waiting to get one of these forever as many of our homeschool resource books come packed full of handy dandy transparencies. Now I can actually use those transparencies and impress the children with my technological prowess in somewhat outdated technology (laptop projectors are the new thing, you know, overhead projectors are going the way of the VCR).

Worth noting also, that with this purchase I have enabled myself to "write" all over my own walls and not have it taken out of my deposit. This alone makes this purchase awesome; and by awesome I mean totally sweet.

The Circle Of Strife

Ah, well, win some, lose some. I never could play nice with anyone online and managed to take a long walk off a short cliff today with my pregnancy board. Such things happen. Thanks for all the emails and private messages I recieved over the situation. I appreciate the support, girls. Kind of a bittersweet moment, eh? It's a-ight, though. I now have time to learn the great art of origami.

I'm off to put on my ninja gear, get super pissed off and attempt to shove a frisbee in my mouth. If I manage to do it, I think everyone is supposed to say "Holy Crap!" and be really impressed.

It's A Home & Garden Moment

Hey people! I'm going to take a few days a get a new design up. It may look a bit spastic for a bit so fair warning. I am also pulling down the archives so that I can get things cleaned up in regards to our personal information. A rather untoward element of my past has surfaced again, online this time, and so I need clean up a bit. Not a big deal though; I shouldn't have been so open and forward to begin with.

We're back to code names with the kiddos (you'll recognize them from past blogs and if not you'll be able to quickly figure out who is who if you know us) and obviously my "dear husband" will resort back to merely DH. I'll still be Becca though, so no worries. I mean, really.... how many Beccas are there anyway? Thousands? Millions? At least 3, I'm sure of it.

All pictures are moving to our family's private website and I'll pass along the way to get in shortly. Don't worry. I'm speaking in "blog-ese"; Dingledork can't find his rear with both hands and a map so I figure I've got some wiggle room on getting everything adjusted before he has the idea to Google something Becca-ey and possibly locate this place. :P

The Joys Of Motherhood & Other Late Night Horror Films

The great thing about a digital Christmas letter is that you can go back and strike through things at will. I plan to do this later today with much gusto beginning with the part about how Dexter is probably not defective. I spent a large amount of money on a rather odd prescription today because he has taken to puking for fun and profit. I am also waiting on a call so I can spend another lump sum on additional medication because his eye has turned into a rotting cess pool and our pediatrician won't schedule the required surgery until she knows it is "absolutely necessary". Absolutely necessary. MDs are in general fruitcakes. Absolutely necessary my behind. I'll show her absolutely necessary. I'm going to to go rub his eye up and down the shoulder of her designer suits and ask her if wiping it off is "absolutely necessary" as I have been wearing that eye nastiness since he was 2 wks old.

Furthermore, I am also striking the sleep through the night bit. Dexter is no longer sleeping through the night (note the time of this post). He has again returned to getting up for a little sippy sip at about 3:30AM. I swear it is enough to drive me absolutely insane. If there was ever a child that could cause a mother of many to cuss it is this boy. And don't give me any of that hapless infant crap. He is not hapless; he is a bottomless pit. There is a notable difference.

Now, half of the women reading this are looking appalled and are preparing a speech about how there are hungry children in Africa (I have no idea why you all are doing this by the way. I'm griping about a child not my dinner and I don't necessarily plan to eat him unless worse comes to worse). The other half are holding up cue cards that say "Let Him Cry It Out". They are holding up signs because you are not allowed to admit to this anymore in modern America because the foster system needs to be fed consistently in order to fail as effectively as it does.

The reality is that I have no problem with letting him cry it out because Dexter is not expressing a need, but is expressing a habit. I know this boy inside and out, and he no more wants that bottle than the man in the moon needs a silk kimono. He feels entitled to that ridiculous 2oz. I, however, cannot let the little moose cry it out because we live in an apartment and it bothers the neighbors. Frankly the neighbors could go take a flying leap, but the last thing we need is a complaint filed about how loud our offspring is. Such a thing never bodes well for renewing one's lease.

So here I am at 4 something in the morning. Absolutely nothing good can come from me being up at this time of day. Michael says my language becomes excessively colorful when I don't get enough sleep and I also end up eating peanut butter & jelly sandwiches in a subconscious attempt to gain enough weight that a crane will be needed to lift me out of bed. You are absolutely not allowed to operate heavy machinery in an apartment building at 4 in the morning so someone else could get up with our wonking cherub.

During the Christmas season I would spend such late nights sending Christmas carols to the ACLU via email but alas the holiday season is over and I have enough class not to harass people outside of the time of year set aside for peace, joy and the likes. So I am instead sending multiple emails to QVC letting them know how horrific their late night people are. They couldn't sell a sandwich to that guy in the movie Seven who was starved to death over a period of a year. I am later planning to email somebody and tell them what an absolute beast Rosie O'Donnell is. I don't know who yet, though. Luckily I owe a great many emails, replies on message boards, myspace requests, etc. so any one of you could become the victim of my random Rosie observation. In other words please, please be patient with me if I owe you some sort of digital correspondence. I hope to get that taken care of today while I redecorate the blog. I am also going to roam the city in search of an establishment that sells fountain drinks as big as my head. Just so you know.

Rumor has it, by the way, that if you go to the hospital and claim a little bird told you that Thomas Jefferson dressed in drag and you know this because Bill & Ted left their phone booth on the third star to the right they will put you in an absolutely darling padded room with chemical sedation, 3 square meals and required naps. This is my fall back plan. So if you hear anything about me and lithium you don't have to worry. I am not crazy perse. Just well insured.

Christmas Letter 2006

The point, one supposes, of such a ltter is to update the general public about the sizes and stages of one's family. Especially when the family in question is ours, which seems to continually be increasing in number.

Michael finished his PhD this year. He is finally "Dr." and I must admit that thus far the only real advantage I've seen to this is that I get to hang up on telemarketers who don't ask for him by proper title on the second try. For example....... Telemarketer: Is Michael there? Becca: Maybe, maybe not. Perhaps I could locate the individual in question if you could address him properly? Telemarketer: Is MR Michael there? Becca: Wrong answer. Thank you for playing. This may seem rather obnoxious but I say if we invested 10 years of our marriage into that dang title somebody had better use it. And telemarketers are the only people who call us that wouldn't smack us upside the head or write us out of the will if we demand such a thing.

I (Becca, of course) managed to get pregnant against all established rules of nature early in the year. So, for anyone that wants to make the joke about knowing what causes such a thing, I challenge you that perhaps it is not as straightforward as originally suspected. I say that there is a possibility that we don't know what causes such a thing and thus I am abstaining from recreational painting, value meals at fast food establishments and poetry in general. Anyway, I delivered by incision our 5th child (second son) on September 19. I had polyhydramnios throughout the pregnancy, and he was delivered by emergency c-section because he decided to go into fetus hibernation. I valiantly attempted to bleed to death post delivery but was thwarted by medical personel who seemed to lack the true vision for what makes a good biography special on A&E.

And the kids? Well, they are just absolutely spectacular. You know, a christmas letter is the only correspondence in which a person is allowed to refer to their offspring as "fabulous" or "spectacular" and not be socially shunned; however "fantabulous" is yet to be accepted. Anyway, Summer has managed to get another year closer to teenagerdom (she's 11) and, as always, excels in her studies and her art projects. Lily turned 9 and has continued to fail as a vegetarian although I credit her for the dedication she displays to someday achieving her goal. Mackenzie turned 7 and continues to climb doorways and hallways. On the bright side, we did not have to call the fire department even one time this year to get her down from somewhere stupid. Langdon mastered potty training (finally, oh, and did I say, finally) and is doted upon and spoiled by his older sisters to the point of doing actual detriment to his development. We're going to have to crack down on that this year. Dexter (our latest addition) is finally sleeping through the night, and has kept us busy going from doctor to doctor through the latter part of the year. One for his weight (he's a big 'ol boy), one for his voicebox (he has laryngomalacia - a deformed voicebox) and one for his goopy eye (clogged tear duct, you see). I'm sure the boy isn't completely defective and look toward the upcoming year to prove it.

As a whole, it's been a pretty exciting year for our family. We began homeschooling and have been extremely blessed and changed by this experience. We relocated several states away, and this included living in our first top story apartment (it's like living in a treehouse, but anyway...), found out that we will be relocating again this year to the East coast, and added another child to the group which I think knocks us into the "gaggle of children" category. We also had the opportunity to spend our Christmas vacation with both sides of our family, and come home without having permanently damaged any familial relationships or set anything/anyone ablaze. Life is good. ;D

Hope this finds you all well and happy as the new year begins unfolding. Check here for updates as we move toward the next relocation, and drop me a note somewhere on here if you need/would like our email, etc. Wishing you all the best in 2007 from our family to yours!

Go Practice Falling Down While I Decompartmentalize.

Again, I apologize for the lack of updates. Our spring/summer semester is in gear and I am behind on getting my lesson plans intact. During the pregnancy/postpartum period I had opted to go with a set curriculum, but now that I'm back on my feet, so to speak, it is a return to our actual style of educating - decompartmentalization.

I am currently setting up our first grouping of studies that focus on the descent of man and modern society from ancient civilizations. We are focusing on Ur, Jerusalem, and Babylon. Attempting to get this information spread across our core studies and adapted to the needs of 4 different grades is time consuming but so worth it. If you think it sounds dreary, I highly recommend a trip to the library to find a book on Babylon at least. It's truly amazing.

I'm also trying to get ahead by planning our next grouping of studies at the same time which will tie in civilizations and geology with an emphasis on volcanoes and change. I myself find geology to be mind numbingly dull thus I added in volcanoes so I could A) teach about Pompeii which is a fascination of mine and B) have a justifiable excuse to explode things. This is why our neighbor's hate us. We are always looking for new and exciting ways to blow things apart. Thus is the life of the homeschooler.......... ;D

I will be back online in full force today or tomorrow. Hopefully I'll have something noteworthy to say but I wouldn't go practicing falling down just yet.

I Have Not Died. Stop Trying To Claim My Car.

I am just working on getting us all back and settled in. We left here on Dec. 22 and didn't arrive back until Jan 3. That's a HUGE trip for a family our size, and it included getting snowed into that Western Kansas mess.

I apologize to everyone who got our Christmas cards and came here looking for our family's obnoxious Christmas letter..... We rushed out of town and I completely forgot to post the letter but not to mail the Christmas cards. Oi. I will put it up today or tomorrow though because I can. I know it's perversely late but you all know me. I haven't managed to do anything right since 1980 when I mastered potty training. Even that's a struggle somedays. ;D