Pope Paper Dolls

Many people do not believe that the world is ending. However, the fact that you can purchase paper dolls of a pope makes my case for me in its entirety. I'm headed for my secret underground lair, but not before I pick up my scratch 'n' sniff stickers of Jim Jones................. mmmmm, smells like Kool-Aid.............

I Flung A Cake In A Thankful Manner

Yes, I did. It stuck to the pan, and I was slowly trying to remove it from said pan while maintaining a very starchy smile and all of a sudden I flung it. Actually, I am making the claim that it flung itself when it realized how badly it was maimed but I can't prove that.............

Lily has been sick for many days. Langdon has been sick for several days. Dexter has been sick for a couple of days and Summer is on day one. I am absolutely positive it is bird flu, but Michael claims it is just a rather nasty bout of the common cold. Michael really has no imagination in such matters, although when he has spent most of the day roaring about the house threatening to give Dexter to gypsies which I thought was a rather creative solution. And I can't much blame him as Dexter is the kind of child who turns young mothers gray haired and sterile on a good day, so you can surely imagine him with bird flu a nasty cold. He is on hour 32 of screaming his bloody head off and I openly admit that I have researched my current birth control method twice seeking solace in the fact that the odds are in my favor not to reproduce another alien species who preys upon the lifeblood of the unsuspecting child. Of course, he was conceived practically immaculately in the first place, so I often ponder if the reason he is so grumpy is that he knows we were actively trying to avoid him at all costs, but I digress.

Today has given me renewed respect for my family's matriarchs who produced many a grand Thanksgiving dinner, and made it look like something humanly possible. I'm off to make gonocche (it is spelled wrong and I don't give a rat's tushy) icing for the sliver of cake I scraped off the kitchen floor and I plan to carry it to the table with a straight face. If any of my cherub like offspring so much as even make a face, I plan on finishing off whatever glass of white wine I am currently on at the time (and I'm knee deep in the bottle now) and then eating them. In a thankful manner, of course. Happy Thanksgiving.

Pirates Eat Jehovah Witnesses. Everyone Knows This.

The Jehovah Witnesses stopped by today. I have been living on my own now for almost 14 years (don't do the math or you might figure out that I was a runaway teenager who needed a nasty whipping and some major time spent in working the progression of traditional Greek sentence structuring, but I digress........), and I have yet to find a satisfactory way to deal with them. It's a very Seinfeld sort of experience for me where I mumble something about homemade gravy and eternal damnation before slamming the door on them, and then going "AAAAAAH! I should've said - insert any witty thought that was thought too late here!"

I think the girls and I figured it out today. We are making a sign to store by the door so that when they knock we can kindly open it, post our sign and demurely shut it again. Here's what the sign says:

Aaaargh! We're Pirates!

Prozac For The Poor

I have decided to start a seasonal charity called "Prozac For Poor People". Our main activity will be flinging antidepressants at random window shoppers during the holiday season. On days when it is too cold to get out and about, I plan to sit in my living room all day throwing Prozac at myself.

Eating Little Trees

Decapitation & Other Amusing Anomolies

I know, I know............... I can only imagine how annoyed some of you are getting at how often I change locations online. I can't help it! I have the attention span of a retarded gnat, and labor under delusions of grandeur greatly multiplied by antidepressants and slushies.....

Besides, in my defense, the other site wasn't particularly conducive to writing. You simply would not believe the amount of times I sat down to write something over the past couple of months and failed. Miserably. I think it was the fact that their text editor was stone age and included a smilie face icon that just stared and stared and stared at you while you typed. I do not like being stared at. Also worth noting, is that I would accept membership after membership and try to let people in and it wouldn't work. That drove me absolutely stark raving mad; I'm talking The Yellow Wallpaper type mad, which is, literarily speaking, wacky tack out of one's mind. I do not know if literarily is a word, although literariness is in fact a word, yet it seems all around less useful than literarily would be supposing it existed at all.

I don’t like to look out of the windows even—there are so many of those creeping women, and they creep so fast. I wonder if they all come out of that wall-paper as I did?

- quote from The Yellow Wallpaper

Anyway, we are doing well here, although we've had a few stabbings in our apartment complex which is absolutely odd since it is quite lovely and all around quaint and serene. Granted, things are not as they appear but I don't think we are in any danger and I don't suspect, being an avid devotee of the 5'0clock news, that we would fare better anywhere else in such a large city. It seems that stabbing each other is an accepted past time here, and it really doesn't drive property values down or even particularly interest the neighbors unless decapitation is involved for which it rarely is. In fact, seeing as we can't afford the cinema, I have to say that the occasional neighborhood knife dispute has served as more than one evening's source of great entertainment, and also as an ice breaker with our new neighbors who aren't stabbing each other at that moment. For example, here is a transcript of an actual likely conversation while the police tape things off: So, who stabbed whom? Is that your car? I don't believe we've met, but I have been receiving your newspaper for weeks now. I say, was there decapitation involved?