I Miss Stuart Smalley.

I'm sorry, friends & family! I have not been eaten by a landshark posing as UNICEF or injured myself on the little springy animals at the park (again!).

I am in the process of relocating the blog to an actual site. It has the blog, has pictures, has games, and does not have gonorrhea (just seeing if you're paying attention). It is fantabulous and is geared toward being a hub of communication for our family & friends versus a Google archived forever record of Becca-isms that I keep getting in trouble for anyway.

We are working on schoolwork. We are dealing with strange men coming in and out (no, and how rude of you to think so) regarding estimates for the move, and the stupid sun is shining so the kids are all "oh let's go outside and be healthy......... oh let's go get fresh air........" . This is the absolute agony of springtime; I abhor it.

Dear Gerber,

This communication is regarding the "milestone celebration" emails you insist on sending my mother. Please stop. It is bad enough that she is paying 3 times the going price for over hyped "organic" pureed garden dirt (and is convinced that if she purchases regular baby food that it is actually pureed rat poison with orange food coloring and artificial carrot flavoring), she is now printing out pictures of baby's who have been coerced into following your developmental schedule and taping them to my playpen. It's getting ridiculous.

As a matter of fact, please watch for a future communication from my lawyer regarding this exact situation. After watching a news special yesterday that made the substantiable claim that babies who don't reach milestones when they are supposed to are more likely to grow up to be inmates and graffiti artists, and in the same day received one of the aforementioned "milestone" emails she took away all my developmental toys and threw me in the corner with sugary cereals and finger paints. While the lack of pressure to perform one receives when located in the corner is enjoyable for short periods of time, I find that I am unable to disrupt people's schedule, destroy important tax related mailings or chew electrical cords to my heart's content. These things are an important aspect of my "pursuit of happiness" and thusly you are interfering with my first amendment rights. Big time.

While the lines of communication are buzzing, let's get a few things out in the open here. I do not sit up by myself and have no intentions of ever doing so. I do not like your crappy pureed vegetable poo and refuse to be ready for solids. Ever. I have no intentions of potty training on schedule, developing hand-eye coordination or going to college.

Warmest Regards,
Dexter

PS - I watch the stock markets and I hope Nestle does take you over. I guarantee they will nix all this "organic" dirt pie doodles and start cranking out Chocolate Carmel Marshmallow Baby Delight. Yum.

Lewis & Clark Simply ADORE My Pants

Yes, friends, I managed to get rather lost again today. I have so far managed to get lost on this particular trip every single time we've had to make it which counting on my fingers and toes adds up to a grand total of: quite a lot of times.

Today, however, I managed to create a new personal best: I got so lost that I landed in another state by no insignificant amount. Indeed I ended up in another state at a historical point that Lewis & Clark visited but evidently no one had thought to since. So I backtracked through my original route, except I ended up crossing two, count them again please - I said two, rivers that I hadn't crossed in the first place.

By no small miracle I ended up back in familiar territory using my usual method of following random people who seemed know where they are going and aggressively do so laboring under a grand delusion of self importance; such people are quite useful for finding things actually. They want everything, and are always on their way to buy something thus leading to points of commerce. Points of commerce are always situated between communities, and if you can get to one of these it's just a matter of playing InkyPinkyPonky to see where to go from there.

Anyway, I was so glad to see an area I knew that I immediately stopped and bought a pair of pants. They're quite nice too and were at a fabulous sale price.